Living in my TRUTH

Me living in my truth is me acknowledging I struggle with mental illness. As defined by Merriam-Webster Dictionary, mental illness is any broad range of medical conditions (such as major depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, schizophrenia, or panic disorder) that are marked by sufficient disorganization of personality, mind, or emotions to impair normal physchological functioning and cause marked distress or disability associated with a disruption in normal thinking, feeling, mood, behavior or daily functioning.

So what do I struggle with?

I struggle with anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and depression. In other words, I envision certain aspects of life playing out in a certain order and when they don’t, it feels like the whole world is crashing down. My daily functions are thrown off and I obsess over what could have been, had those around me moved differently.

See, my mind was always my biggest enemy. I have a habit of forcing false realities and expectations on myself in order to control those around me. And that’s my biggest downfall. I create images in my head and expect others to uphold that image. Whether it’s in my relationship, with my friends or even strangers.

I experience days where I just wake up angry and hating the world. I have moments where I feel like I’m walking alone in the world. Feeling like a stranger to those closest to me. I have days where it seems like the weight of the world is suffocating me. Does this make me crazy? Some may say so, but to be honest, I don’t give a damn! I’ve lived enough of my life according to the perceptions of others.

I want to share my story because I want you to know it’s OK! It’s OK to feel sad, it’s OK to grieve, it’s OK to be angry, it’s OK to not be alright… But you must be honest with your why.

Why do you feel angry sometimes?

Why do you have so much unresolved hurt?

See, I used to get so offended when people would jokingly ask “Who hurt you?” like my pain was some Lifetime movie. If only you knew. If you only you knew what goes thru my head on a daily. If only you knew what caused my pain.

I learned the hard way that there’s power in conversation. Even if you’re talking to yourself, that’s power! I know there’s someone out there who can relate when I talk about going on car rides with no destination. Countless car rides alone, conversations with myself on why I feel the way I do. What makes me happy, what makes me unhappy…

If you’re anything like me, you don’t like sharing your emotions with others. You feel like this makes you weak and vulnerable. In my own mental health journey, I realized that I gain my power from TALKING. So I had to take baby steps. Instead of me trying to explain to others how I felt or thought, I needed to explain it to myself first. By doing so, I no longer felt vulnerable. When you are aware and comfortable with your flaws, nobody can use them against you.

See, I’m finally comfortable living and loving my truth. I’ve found comfort in talking to myself through the pain. And it don’t make me crazy or wrong for doing so. My journey with mental health is fearful, heartbreaking, rewarding, enlightening and it’s my TRUTH! I just want to empower one person enough to live their truth.

And if today, all you did was hold yourself together. I’m proud of you!